If You Hadn't But You Did

There he goes as usual, my man. Breaking my foolish heart. I really don't know what to do about him… I've told my self I've got to do without him…There he goes as usual, my man. Tearing my heart apart. He's made my life a mess. I've got to do this I guess… Goodbye, Joe, from here I kiss you. Goodbye, Joe, I hope I don't miss you.
*Pistol sound*
IF: you had been on the square, and had treated me fair, and we'd not had a tiff…IF: you had not said I should go and jump right off the nearest cliff! IF: You had stayed off the make, and you never had taken to coming home stiff. IF: I hand not smelled perfume with a nasty unfamiliar whiff!
I'M GONNA MISS YOU BABY! THINGS COULD'VE BEEN TERIFF! Ah, what's the diff…
IF: you had not had the cheek to stay out for a week saying 'back in a jiff!' IF: you were not such a two-timing guy!
If you weren't…if you hadn't… if you didn't and you weren't and you hadn't and you didn't… but you have and you were and you went and you did, and so, goodbye!
IF: I had not seen you take Geraldine on the lake in your flat-bottomed skiff…IF: You were not out with Sue with your arms around her bare midriff! IF: I had not seen you pen sexy letters to Gwen in your own Hieroglyph… IF: You had not left me home when had two seats for South Pacif!
I'M GONNA MISS YOU, BABY! YOU WERE TOO DARN PROLIF! Ah, what's the diff…
IF: You were not such a hound who, when game was around always picked at the sniff! IF: You were not such a two-timing guy…
If you weren't… if you hadn't… if you didn't and you weren't and you hadn't and you didn't… but you were and you have, and you went and you did! AND SO, GOODBYE!
IF: When I asked where you'd been you had not cliffed my chin with a beautiful biff! Hey, IF: I had not always found purple lipstick on your handkerchief… IF: you had not told me lies and then looked in my eyes with a smile beautif! IF: when I caught you with Kate you had not said, "It's of no signif!"
I'M GONNA MISS YOU, BABY! AND I COULD GET SPECIF! Ah, what's the diff!
IF: The best years of my life weren't spent as your wife with no marriage certif! IF: you were not such a two-timing guy!